I would like to present to you the official Chronology of Awesomeness that has befallen me in the last few days.
First, last week, I got a speeding ticket. I was rushing home to meet a window cleaning company and knew I was already going to be five minutes late. I was allegedly going 61 in a 45 zone. ALLEGEDLY. And of course, after everything was said and done, I was 25 minutes late instead. Hi! Nice to meet you! I am the poster child for why you should not speed in order to get somewhere on time!
And when you get a speeding ticket in the presence of a 3-year old, it turns into 20 questions. Here are just a few:
"Why is the policeman talking to you?"
"Why are we stopping?"
"Why is the policeman driving a motorcycle?"
"Did you do something wrong?"
What I said was more or less "Yes. Mommy is in trouble because I was going too fast. Now I am getting a ticket, which is kind of like a time-out for grownups."
What I wanted to say was "Uh-huh. The cop was hiding in the bushes on his motorcycle, lying in wait in what appeared to be, at best, a dubiously legal speed trap. So Mommy is going to fight The Man on this one."
But I figured that might go over his head a bit.
Then, two days ago, my car started making a groaning noise when I turn. I took it in this morning and just got a call from the service advisor. Here’s a brief transcript of the call.
Service Advisor: Hi. We know what’s wrong with your car.
Service Advisor: The rack and pinion steering has a leak. It will be $882 to fix that and realign the car.
Me: (stunned silence)
Service Advisor: Also, your battery failed the test. So that will be another $135.
Me: (more stunned silence)
Service Advisor: And your tires are starting to go. I highly recommend new tires.
Service Advisor: So, with your oil change and everything we’re up to $1,065. Do you have Triple A?
Me: Yes! (feeling hopeful that this will net me some sort of magical 50% off discount)
Service Advisor: Oh, great, that’ll get you $50 off.
So, yeeeahh, I’m gonna need you to cheer me up right about now. Help a sister out. Tell me something good that I should be excited about! Please. I am desperate.