Wednesday, April 13, 2005

verbal diarrhea

Although this is another post along the "pregnancy hazard" lines, I wanted to call it something different — something gross — in order to illustrate the entire point of what I have come here to tell you today. That point is that at this stage in my pregnancy (e.g., The End), I have lost all compunction about using certain words and phrases, which prior to this fascinating journey I would have avoided like the proverbial plague.

Here are a few examples of specific words and phrases with which I am now completely comfortable:

Mucus Plug (my new personal favorite)
Cervix
Effacement
Discharge
Episiotomy

Of course, there are others, but because of my pregnancy-induced forgetfulness I cannot think of them right now. The funny part here is that I am typically quite a tactful and private sort. I hate when people ask me extremely personal questions that are none of their business and I am simply not given to routinely discuss bodily functions. All that has changed. Now I delight in informing others of the status of my cervix on a weekly basis. And the mucus plug? I see pieces of it almost every day now.

Seriously! I know how horrifying this is, but I cannot stop myself from sharing it.

Perhaps it all stems from the time when the ultrasound technician told me I have a beautiful cervix. I must say, I took this as a compliment of the highest order and decided that others should know about it. If you've got a great cervix, you might as well shout it from the rooftops.

I should also confess that my V.D. (verbal diarrhea, for those of you thinking otherwise) has also taken on a darker tone. Like the time when a friend of mine showed me pictures from her cousin's 3-D ultrasound and I immediately said out loud without thinking about it "Oh my gosh, he looks like the Elephant Man!" So much for my self-proclaimed tact. (But really, sometimes those 3-D photos aren't all they are cracked up to be. You can really see some scary angles on those puppies.)

The filter between my brain and my mouth seems to have malfunctioned. Hopefully it will improve after the baby comes, but I'm not holding my breath.

7 comments:

Poka Bean said...

mucus plug? i've never even heard of that and i don't think i want to know about it. oof. but the good news is that you're about to get jon wallace for a brother-in-law and he is the reigning champ of talking about any and all bodily functions. obviously not pregnancy-related ones although i'm sure that will come in time but if you want to have a little v.d. about poop, he's your man. perhaps we can all chat about your cervix and his last trip to brown town at our BBQ on saturday. great family dinner time conversation, don't you think?

Carolyn said...

It only gets better once they're born, when you talk about mustard-seed poops, cracked nipples, hemmroids, etc. Oh, the joy of joining the best club in the world. I can't wait to read all about your new little one!

Carolyn said...

I just heard you had your baby! Congratulations. I love the name.

I hope your recovery is wonderful and that you enjoy time with your new baby.

undercover celebrity said...

That was hilarious! Perhaps you can, at a future point in time, fill me in on the wonders of the mucus plug -- this kind of information is what they SHOULD be teaching in sex-ed... really, if they want to keeps kids from getting preggers.

Anyway, I have to boldly boast alongside you -- at my first gynecological visit, I too was told that I have a beautiful cervix! Now, even when I look like a load of craptrash on the outside, I like to think that I have a supermodel of a cervix on the inside.

Beautiful cervixes UNITE!

And, of course, congrats on the little bundle of joy -- he is UH-DOOR-ABLE!!!

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